Friday, April 6, 2012

Breaking the silence!

Hello, is anyone there???

I have neglected this blog and BADLY and if there's anyone out there still reading.. Im sorry!!  Our world is pretty much back to normal but I continue to play catch up with LIFE.  Sometimes I feel like I am grasping at straws.  Things have gotten easier since Cami has been on maintenance chemotharapy, but I have finally been forced to deal with the emotion of it all.  Once the hospital visits slowed down and life got easier I was no longer fueled by adrenaline.  It all just hit me like a ton of bricks and the feelings came crashing down on me.  Pair that with the fear.  The fear is the worst of it and it is hard to describe to someone who hasn't gone through it, but it can be earth shattering.  There are the "little fears", like hearing a little kid hacking up a lung behind you in the grocery store and KNOWING your cancer child will catch it and it's only a matter of hours before you're headed to the ER for IV antibiotics, fluids, and a full blood work up (not to mention an entire night without sleep because the ER likes to keep you there for at least 6 hours).  Or if Cami has an extra rash, bruise, bump... you name it...it keeps me up at night.  I feel like a crazy person, OK... I AM a crazy person.  Then I worry about Caden.  Every fever, ache, or pain I just know he has leukemia.  I am ashamed to admit that I have already taken him in to the pediatrician to have his blood tested, of course he was perfectly healthy, but my crazy cancer -mom brain just goes to the worst case scenario and before I know it I have talked myself into another cancer diagnosis.  As if the "little fears" aren't enough, I am constantly faced with the "BIG fears" the ones that are very real and every cancer parents worst nightmare.  I live in constant fear that everything will come crashing down like it did July 10, 2010.  That we will get a phone call saying Cami's cancer is back, or worse.  There is never a moment in my day that I don't have a pain in my heart caused by that fear.   Pat lives with it too, he just told me last night that each and every time I call him, he gets that panic feeling, that I am going to tell him something terrible has happened.  Not to mention the fact that we have become very close to all sorts of cancer kids.  We have had to watch too many of them relapse, go to the ICU for months on end, or earn their angel wings.  It can all be too much to bear at times.  To be honest this winter has been a hard one for me emotionally, and that is why the blog has suffered because this blog is my emotional release and I just wasn't ready to share the hard times I was feeling.  I try to be very honest on this blog while being as positive as possible, but sometimes in the cancer world being positive is just too difficult.  So...if there is anyone still out there reading, I am sorry that I neglected this blog, but I am back and I am working through things and dealing with the fears a lot better.

One thing that has made us especially sad lately is that our sweet little cancer friend, Millie, has relapsed.  You can read some of my past posts where I talk about Millie and her amazing family here:

http://www.kissesforcami.com/2010/08/deep-breaths.html
http://www.kissesforcami.com/2010/09/lifes-circus.html
This is the first family we met after Cami's diagnosis.  Their blog was like a road map for us and we would only have to read it to know what came next for our Cami.  Cami and Millie have the exact same type of cancer, they are the same age and Cami was diagnosed just 6 months after Millie.  They have had almost identical side effects and they have both done relatively well through treatment.  To watch this family go through our worst nightmare has been almost too much.  It has just confirmed that our fears aren't far-fetched and that they are very real and that everything CAN come crashing down at any moment.  We love sweet Millie and we just hate to see her going through such pain and heartache.  It is unfair.  Cancer is just so brutal.  You can read Millie's story here.

Here are a few of the many pics I have of the "chemo sisters":
We love you Millie... Go, Fight, WIN!!!




I will be going back and blogging about all the big events I missed, and I promise not to neglect again.  Thank you all for supporting and loving us even though the hard times.  XOXOXO