Friday, April 6, 2012

Breaking the silence!

Hello, is anyone there???

I have neglected this blog and BADLY and if there's anyone out there still reading.. Im sorry!!  Our world is pretty much back to normal but I continue to play catch up with LIFE.  Sometimes I feel like I am grasping at straws.  Things have gotten easier since Cami has been on maintenance chemotharapy, but I have finally been forced to deal with the emotion of it all.  Once the hospital visits slowed down and life got easier I was no longer fueled by adrenaline.  It all just hit me like a ton of bricks and the feelings came crashing down on me.  Pair that with the fear.  The fear is the worst of it and it is hard to describe to someone who hasn't gone through it, but it can be earth shattering.  There are the "little fears", like hearing a little kid hacking up a lung behind you in the grocery store and KNOWING your cancer child will catch it and it's only a matter of hours before you're headed to the ER for IV antibiotics, fluids, and a full blood work up (not to mention an entire night without sleep because the ER likes to keep you there for at least 6 hours).  Or if Cami has an extra rash, bruise, bump... you name it...it keeps me up at night.  I feel like a crazy person, OK... I AM a crazy person.  Then I worry about Caden.  Every fever, ache, or pain I just know he has leukemia.  I am ashamed to admit that I have already taken him in to the pediatrician to have his blood tested, of course he was perfectly healthy, but my crazy cancer -mom brain just goes to the worst case scenario and before I know it I have talked myself into another cancer diagnosis.  As if the "little fears" aren't enough, I am constantly faced with the "BIG fears" the ones that are very real and every cancer parents worst nightmare.  I live in constant fear that everything will come crashing down like it did July 10, 2010.  That we will get a phone call saying Cami's cancer is back, or worse.  There is never a moment in my day that I don't have a pain in my heart caused by that fear.   Pat lives with it too, he just told me last night that each and every time I call him, he gets that panic feeling, that I am going to tell him something terrible has happened.  Not to mention the fact that we have become very close to all sorts of cancer kids.  We have had to watch too many of them relapse, go to the ICU for months on end, or earn their angel wings.  It can all be too much to bear at times.  To be honest this winter has been a hard one for me emotionally, and that is why the blog has suffered because this blog is my emotional release and I just wasn't ready to share the hard times I was feeling.  I try to be very honest on this blog while being as positive as possible, but sometimes in the cancer world being positive is just too difficult.  So...if there is anyone still out there reading, I am sorry that I neglected this blog, but I am back and I am working through things and dealing with the fears a lot better.

One thing that has made us especially sad lately is that our sweet little cancer friend, Millie, has relapsed.  You can read some of my past posts where I talk about Millie and her amazing family here:

http://www.kissesforcami.com/2010/08/deep-breaths.html
http://www.kissesforcami.com/2010/09/lifes-circus.html
This is the first family we met after Cami's diagnosis.  Their blog was like a road map for us and we would only have to read it to know what came next for our Cami.  Cami and Millie have the exact same type of cancer, they are the same age and Cami was diagnosed just 6 months after Millie.  They have had almost identical side effects and they have both done relatively well through treatment.  To watch this family go through our worst nightmare has been almost too much.  It has just confirmed that our fears aren't far-fetched and that they are very real and that everything CAN come crashing down at any moment.  We love sweet Millie and we just hate to see her going through such pain and heartache.  It is unfair.  Cancer is just so brutal.  You can read Millie's story here.

Here are a few of the many pics I have of the "chemo sisters":
We love you Millie... Go, Fight, WIN!!!




I will be going back and blogging about all the big events I missed, and I promise not to neglect again.  Thank you all for supporting and loving us even though the hard times.  XOXOXO

23 comments:

  1. Aw, stupid cancer!! Praying for you all and Millie too!!!!

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  2. We dont know you but have become big fans of your blog and fallen in love with your cute family. We pray for you often. We were hopeing that the lapse in time was just because life was so good and you were having fun. My brother passed away from leukemia. I know what an ugly beast it is and the fears it brings. But I cant imagine dealing with it as a parent. I remeber when he was sick someone reminding us as much as we loved him, our Father in Heaven loves him even more. As much as we want him to be ok, He wasnts it even more. He feels the same not only about your sweet Cami but about her parents too. Hang in there, I a, sure you are doing a great job at this journey, you are strong amazing people and you have more prayers out there for you then you could count!

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  3. Glad to see your post:) Cami and your family have continued to be in my prayers:)

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  4. Its so frustrating to try to find words here! I imagine it is harder for you. Be honest and be strong. These sweet kids were given to you for a reason. Praying for Millie and peace and joy for all of you.

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  5. Perfectly said. I get it :) We love you guys!

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  6. I'm still here! Glad to see an update but sorry about all the sad stuff that comes with this horrible cancer :(

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  7. So sorry to hear about Millie! As you said that doesn't help much with the worries! Only faith and time will help you get past this! We'll be praying for you. We sure love you all!

    Linda and Rick et al

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  8. We love you guys and I can honestly say, I know how you feel. Even now I am doing alright, it's when things slow down that I struggle. Know that Cami has been a huge support to Millie and she truly loves her. I believe that these girls will be friends for the rest of their very long lives. Brady and I both appreciate you and Pat more then words can say. You walk in/call/write and suddenly things seem better and I don't feel so alone. I know you have fears for Cami, and I know they are real, but try to remind yourself that Millie was one of the 6%, sweet Cami will be in the 94%.

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  9. Glad you're back. I was worried about you and for you. You don't know me from Adam...and I'm not even sure how I found your blog. But I appreciate your honesty and I pray for Cami every night.

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  10. I'm still here!! you don't know me, but I follow your blog to check on your sweet Cami and all of the other amazing children you've mentioned going through this trial. Know that Cami is in our prayers!

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  11. Long time blog lurker here rooting for Cami's continued well being! I can't remember how I found you, but I've been following your cancer journey almost since day one. Glad you're back!

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  12. You dont know me either but I have followed your blog sense Nover 2010. I have gotten so much inspiration and strenghth from following this little fighters.

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  13. Following trend, you don't really know me, I stopped you and your family at the Beauty and the Beast movie in 3D when I recognized you guys. :) I've been following your blog since the cuts for Cami event and I'm glad you guys are back! Glad to have an update on Cami. Sorry to hear about Millie! She will be in my thoughts!

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  14. I just found your blog. My son was diagnosed in 2009 with ALL he too is in maintenance. It is so nice to hear the thoughts of another mama going through the samething. Your sweet family is in my prayers. Feel free to visit me at coffeecakeandme.blogspot.com or www.caringbridge.org/visit/braxtonadkins hoping for only the best for your sweet girl.

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  15. I know that Cami and Atticus have different types of cancer so I don't know exactly what you are going through but know the heartache that comes from watching your little one suffer. My heart breaks for these sweet kids and us parents who stand by their side. Your doing amazing.

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  16. I sorry you have been having such a hard time. If there is anything we can do let me know!! We love Cami and you will all continue to be in our prayers.

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  17. My heart aches for the aches and fear you and Pat feel. Just know there are so many people who love you and pray for you and your family! Love you!

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  18. I do not remember when the first time I saw your blog , but it was very early on when Cami was DXed .What I do remember was that she wore alot of MJC (Matilda Jane). I am from Fort Wayne and my sweet friend Kayla works for MJC and has since nearly their beginning. In which their first Office was here in The Fairfield Manor. Ohh How I loved their clothes .I have 3 granddaughters who are now 18,15,and 9 ..they hyave all enjoyed some MJC ! Sooo when I saw your beautiful Cami wearing MJC I was instantly attatched. But I also felt a closeness because I too have had cancer . 3 yrs ago it was vocalcord cancer and just recently laryngeal cancer. I have thought about Cami alot and from time to time I will pull up your blog. I have read all of them ,I have cried many ears with you and your family .Ohhh and how I cried tears of joy when you became pregnant with Caden ! I was thinking of Cami today and said a prayer for her and also for you ! It has been a rough and winding road for all of your family (((hugs))) .My prayers continue for Cami and for her precious friend Millie .Breath and continue keeping your faith and God will continue to walk along side you and when the load is too heavy He scoops you up and carries you till your stronger and have caught your breath ~j~ kisses for Cami a very brave and beautiful child !Thank you for shareing ..... Psalm 91:11 ~j~

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  19. Thinking about and praying for your sweet family. Hope everything is well.

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  20. I have Cami's Frog on Animal Jam:)

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