Tuesday, July 27, 2010
This weekend was a hard one for me. After finding Cam's ANC was high enough to take her out, I immediately started planning something fun we could do as a family. I was thinking parade, carnival or fireworks. I wanted to feel normal again, to just forget about needles, drugs, sanitizer, hair loss, nausea, bills, temperature, chemo and everything else that has somehow crept into our daily lives. I was excited to be outside, around people, and maybe even see a smile on my little Cam's face.
Boy was I wrong! Cami had no interest in going anywhere. She was just too exhausted. I tried to tell her she'd have fun once we got there. I could tell she wanted to make it work for me, but when I stopped thinking about myself and took a good look at her, I knew she just wouldn't enjoy herself. I was pretty bummed and for the first time I realized how unpredictable cancer and chemo can be. I really need to throw all expectations out the window from now on (because otherwise Im going to get disappointed a lot!). I know I will learn to do this and I will get better at rolling with things as they are thrown at us, but this weekend it was hard and I hated it. I hated that my baby is sick, I hated that her childhood will be tainted with doctors, pokes, pain, stares, and just not having any energy. I was mad, mad, MAD!!!
We did get to go out on Saturday night and do a few fireworks with our neighbors, but Cami just sort of stared off into space and wasn't really "there". I kept thinking where is my Cami... I think she is lost to steroids/pain meds/chemo/trauma for awhile.
It all just felt forced. Again, it made me mad.
By Sunday I was really dying to get our little family out of the house to do something "normal". So we called up the Carver troops and we all met at a park. When we got there I asked Cami if she wanted to go explore with me and she just stared off into space. So I grabbed her little hand and took her exploring anyway. The entire time feeling sorry for myself and once again being mad! Then as we were headed up to our blanket in the shade I noticed a different family "troop". They were all walking behind an electric scooter-wheelchair. The young man in the chair was using his mouth to control where he went. He was paralyzed from the neck down. I immediately started to tear up. Here I was walking with my little girl hand in hand and all I could think of was how we didn't get to go to the parade. How I wish I could rewind to the beginning of this weekend. I'd try and appreciate the little moments that I missed out on because I was feeling sorry for myself and even Cami. I have so much to be grateful for and we have so much life to live (even if we ARE stuck at home).
This weekend I learned a valuable lesson. It is such a waste of time to walk around in misery, dwelling on all that is wrong in my life. Cami deserves better, I deserve better, our family deserves better and I am going to stop wasting all of our time on the sad stuff. We will just have to grin and bear it, cry when needed, but ultimately focus on all the good in our life. Because really there is just so much good!