Tuesday, July 27, 2010

MAD!

This weekend was a hard one for me. After finding Cam's ANC was high enough to take her out, I immediately started planning something fun we could do as a family. I was thinking parade, carnival or fireworks. I wanted to feel normal again, to just forget about needles, drugs, sanitizer, hair loss, nausea, bills, temperature, chemo and everything else that has somehow crept into our daily lives. I was excited to be outside, around people, and maybe even see a smile on my little Cam's face.

Boy was I wrong! Cami had no interest in going anywhere. She was just too exhausted. I tried to tell her she'd have fun once we got there. I could tell she wanted to make it work for me, but when I stopped thinking about myself and took a good look at her, I knew she just wouldn't enjoy herself. I was pretty bummed and for the first time I realized how unpredictable cancer and chemo can be. I really need to throw all expectations out the window from now on (because otherwise Im going to get disappointed a lot!). I know I will learn to do this and I will get better at rolling with things as they are thrown at us, but this weekend it was hard and I hated it. I hated that my baby is sick, I hated that her childhood will be tainted with doctors, pokes, pain, stares, and just not having any energy. I was mad, mad, MAD!!!

We did get to go out on Saturday night and do a few fireworks with our neighbors, but Cami just sort of stared off into space and wasn't really "there". I kept thinking where is my Cami... I think she is lost to steroids/pain meds/chemo/trauma for awhile.
It all just felt forced. Again, it made me mad.

By Sunday I was really dying to get our little family out of the house to do something "normal". So we called up the Carver troops and we all met at a park. When we got there I asked Cami if she wanted to go explore with me and she just stared off into space. So I grabbed her little hand and took her exploring anyway. The entire time feeling sorry for myself and once again being mad! Then as we were headed up to our blanket in the shade I noticed a different family "troop". They were all walking behind an electric scooter-wheelchair. The young man in the chair was using his mouth to control where he went. He was paralyzed from the neck down. I immediately started to tear up. Here I was walking with my little girl hand in hand and all I could think of was how we didn't get to go to the parade. How I wish I could rewind to the beginning of this weekend. I'd try and appreciate the little moments that I missed out on because I was feeling sorry for myself and even Cami. I have so much to be grateful for and we have so much life to live (even if we ARE stuck at home).

This weekend I learned a valuable lesson. It is such a waste of time to walk around in misery, dwelling on all that is wrong in my life. Cami deserves better, I deserve better, our family deserves better and I am going to stop wasting all of our time on the sad stuff. We will just have to grin and bear it, cry when needed, but ultimately focus on all the good in our life. Because really there is just so much good!



17 comments:

  1. Make-A-Wish Foundation: http://www.wish.org/
    They Grant Wishes for children with life-threatening medical conditions.
    My friends sister got her wish granted!
    Check it out- http://www.wish.org/

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  2. Chelsea & Pat,
    I'm so sorry that you are going through this trail in your life. I can't even begin to imagine having one of my children or grandchildren getting diagnosed with cancer. Our family has been praying for you since we first found out. This blog is amazing! I love your honesty and I love the lessons I am learning as I read of your incredible faith. You are a beautiful family. I love you and send big hugs your way. ♥♥♥♥ Nancy :)

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  3. Chelsea, one of the reason I have been able (for the most part) to stay positive is because of things like the boy in the wheelchair. We both our blessed to have amazing, strong daughters that are fighting their illness. It won't be a life time, it will be a short few years. Whenever I leave a hopekids event I feel so grateful to have the trail I have. I am blessed. Today was hard for me and thank you for saving me from my self pity. Some days I feel like I can conquer the world and today was not one of them. My daughter is alive and well, what more is there. thank you.

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  4. Hi, I've had you guys on my mind since first readying your blog and especially all of last night. I noticed yesterday that my 2 year old has a limp, been worried and stressed all night. Have an appointment with the doctor in an hour and a half. Just praying it's good news and nothing bad. I really feel for you guys. We just have to be grateful for what we have :) Lots of love Kerry

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  5. just posted about you and your blog. I should have asked 1st! Let me know if you want me to take it down.

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  6. I can somewhat understand this feeling. After we were able to bring our 27 weeker twins home from the NICU, we were then told they could have no interaction with children or babies and only adults could be around them and we couldn't take them in public for the first year of their life. We had to put signs on our door explaining no visitors were allowed and we lived cooped up in our house for the better part of a year. We went through GALLONS of hand sanitizer and soap. It got VERY depressing not going out and having interaction with the world and it's germs, but as I look back on it now, I realize how much I cherish those days alone with my babies, how fast time went by, and how lucky we were. Many thoughts and prayers are with you:)

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  7. Your attitude is amazing. I really admire your strength and presence of mind to recongnize and record all of these feelings.

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  8. Hang in there Chel. Praying-praying-praying for happy moments for you and your family.
    ps I had a dream about you last night. you saved me and it was awesome :) details later.

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  9. YOUR AMAZING CHEL....I LOOK UP TO YOU MORE AND MORE EVERYDAY! IM BLESSED TO HAVE YOU AS MY SISTER! KNOW I LOVE YOU! GIVE SWEET, PRECIOUS CAM A KISS FROM ME!

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  10. You are seriously amazing. I'm so impressed with your attitude and how you handle everything. I can't even imagine what you're going through but just want you to know how inspiring you are. Our prayers are with you!

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  11. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. When I read your blog it shows through how amazing you are. I love how honest you are it makes you are a person shine through. I check back here a few times a week to see how you guys are doing. Loves!!

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  12. Like Jess said YOU ARE AMAZING. I dont know how you do it day in and day out. You still manage to keep that gorgeous smile on your face though it all. You still are an incredible wife to Pat and mother to 2 beautiful kids. All in the mean time you have a million and one things going on in your mind and in your life! I look up to you in so many ways! You are a hero! Your Cami's hero!!!!!!
    Loved our chats the last couple of days! XOXOXOX

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  13. She is one tough cookie! I love the pictures taken of her by that photographer. She is darling!

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  14. You're amazing Chelsea! Honestly, I don't tear up because of what you, Cami, and your family is going through...I tear up because of the faith you have that everything will be fine! You are so strong! Always praying for you guys!

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  15. Chelsea, You are such a strong mother. I am amazed at your outlook and strength throughout this whole process. I am very much in admiration of you and your goodness. We are continually praying for your sweet Cami. Know of our love for you as well. Hang in there. Seriously, I am close if you ever need anything.

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  16. The happiness of life is made up of little things, a smile, a helping hand, a caring heart, a word of praise, a moment of shared laughter. We are most alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.
    - Thornton Wilder

    Oh Chel....I know how much you love the 24th & all the festivities - you always have. I was not sure who I should sympathize more with......you or Cam. There will be many more scortching hot BNTFL parades & hot dogs, scones, corn on the cob (TUMS), face painting, wacky kids rides....etc. etc - at the handcart days. Love and admire your attitude & amazing strong spirit!!!!!

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