Breaking the silence!

Hello, is anyone there???

I have neglected this blog and BADLY and if there's anyone out there still reading.. Im sorry!!  Our world is pretty much back to normal but I continue to play catch up with LIFE.  Sometimes I feel like I am grasping at straws.  Things have gotten easier since Cami has been on maintenance chemotharapy, but I have finally been forced to deal with the emotion of it all.  Once the hospital visits slowed down and life got easier I was no longer fueled by adrenaline.  It all just hit me like a ton of bricks and the feelings came crashing down on me.  Pair that with the fear.  The fear is the worst of it and it is hard to describe to someone who hasn't gone through it, but it can be earth shattering.  There are the "little fears", like hearing a little kid hacking up a lung behind you in the grocery store and KNOWING your cancer child will catch it and it's only a matter of hours before you're headed to the ER for IV antibiotics, fluids, and a full blood work up (not to mention an entire night without sleep because the ER likes to keep you there for at least 6 hours).  Or if Cami has an extra rash, bruise, bump... you name it...it keeps me up at night.  I feel like a crazy person, OK... I AM a crazy person.  Then I worry about Caden.  Every fever, ache, or pain I just know he has leukemia.  I am ashamed to admit that I have already taken him in to the pediatrician to have his blood tested, of course he was perfectly healthy, but my crazy cancer -mom brain just goes to the worst case scenario and before I know it I have talked myself into another cancer diagnosis.  As if the "little fears" aren't enough, I am constantly faced with the "BIG fears" the ones that are very real and every cancer parents worst nightmare.  I live in constant fear that everything will come crashing down like it did July 10, 2010.  That we will get a phone call saying Cami's cancer is back, or worse.  There is never a moment in my day that I don't have a pain in my heart caused by that fear.   Pat lives with it too, he just told me last night that each and every time I call him, he gets that panic feeling, that I am going to tell him something terrible has happened.  Not to mention the fact that we have become very close to all sorts of cancer kids.  We have had to watch too many of them relapse, go to the ICU for months on end, or earn their angel wings.  It can all be too much to bear at times.  To be honest this winter has been a hard one for me emotionally, and that is why the blog has suffered because this blog is my emotional release and I just wasn't ready to share the hard times I was feeling.  I try to be very honest on this blog while being as positive as possible, but sometimes in the cancer world being positive is just too difficult.  So...if there is anyone still out there reading, I am sorry that I neglected this blog, but I am back and I am working through things and dealing with the fears a lot better.

One thing that has made us especially sad lately is that our sweet little cancer friend, Millie, has relapsed.  You can read some of my past posts where I talk about Millie and her amazing family here:

http://www.kissesforcami.com/2010/08/deep-breaths.html
http://www.kissesforcami.com/2010/09/lifes-circus.html

http://www.kissesforcami.com/2010/09/camis-cards.html

This is the first family we met after Cami's diagnosis.  Their blog was like a road map for us and we would only have to read it to know what came next for our Cami.  Cami and Millie have the exact same type of cancer, they are the same age and Cami was diagnosed just 6 months after Millie.  They have had almost identical side effects and they have both done relatively well through treatment.  To watch this family go through our worst nightmare has been almost too much.  It has just confirmed that our fears aren't far-fetched and that they are very real and that everything CAN come crashing down at any moment.  We love sweet Millie and we just hate to see her going through such pain and heartache.  It is unfair.  Cancer is just so brutal.  You can read Millie's story here.

Here are a few of the many pics I have of the "chemo sisters":
We love you Millie... Go, Fight, WIN!!!

I will be going back and blogging about all the big events I missed, and I promise not to neglect again.  Thank you all for supporting and loving us even though the hard times.  XOXOXO

Merry Christmas!

December flew by and before we knew it, it was Christmas!  

Christmas eve the kids set out cookies for Santa and carrots and celery fro the reindeer.  

They were SO excited!!

It is a tradition in our family to sit at the top of the stairs and wait for Daddy to go check and see if Santa came.  I love this part, because the kids excitement is overflowing! 

Caden got a new big-boy bike and a Chuggington train set.  

He also got a Batman cave and a "C" cape from Grandma Di-Di, he was in superhero heaven!

 Cami got her Callico Critters treehouse and I must say, this thing is amazing!  

I even enjoy playing with it :)

We had a nice, long Christmas morning.  We took our time opening gifts and enjoying each other.  

Merry Christmas!

First haircut!

Cami's hair has been growing like a weed and she is getting a little mullet in the back.  Mullets are just not welcome here, so Cami got her first haircut since being a baldie!  She was so excited she could hardly contain herself.  After going 2 years since her last haircut, she totally forgot how to hold still!  My good friend (and hair dresser) Lindsay Lane was so patient with her and took her time giving her a perfect cut.  Linds has been my friend and stylist for more years than I can count!  She did my hair and makeup for my proms, wedding, and now she is cutting my daughters hair... I LOVE it!!  Thanks Linds!

Look at that fresh, adorable cut!  

December

We had a very busy December and thats just how its supposed to be right?  

We decorated...

          

The Elf came to visit and check up on the kids (he also played tricks).  

Cami and Baylee had lots of snuggle time (this dog has been SO good for her), Baylee knows when Cami isn't feeling well and she will just lay with her and be there for comfort.  She has been great medicine!

We love our Baylee pup...

Cami was VERY serious this year about her list.  she wanted a Callico Critters tree house, Xia Xia's, and a fur-real squirrel.  

We visited Santa

We played with cousins...

A few of us cancer mom's (Im taking the photo) went to Primary Children's Hospital to drop off a little Christmas treat to our inpatient friends.  Just look at these awesome cancer moms!

This is our friend Brielle with her Christmas goodies.

Thanks to everyone who donated to these gifts!

We caught snowflakes...

and the kids loved dressing up like rudolf.  They had on fake, red noses 75% of December.  

and for your viewing pleasure.. our Bubba boy singing Jingle Bells.

Happy Thanksgiving!

We had a great Thanksgiving this year.  We spent the day with family and most importantly being grateful for each other.  

Im so grateful for these kids, it hurts. 

Heres miss Cami in her Indian costume from school.

Cami lost her first tooth!

Its official... she's growing up.

Happy Halloween

We go a little crazy around here for Halloween.  As some of you know, Pat is an animator and his office is filled with VERY creative and talented people.  For Halloween his work throws a big party and has a HUGE costume contest.  These costumes must be hand-made and creative.  It is a really big deal.  Pat has never won this contest, so we worked very hard this year on his costume.  It was so much fun to create it together and even the kids helped.  Once we got going I decided to make a matching costume for myself.  We really had a great time putting it all together.

While we were at DisneyLand everything was decorated for Halloween.  Jack the Pumpkin king is EVERYWHERE and the Haunted Mansion is completely re-done around The Nightmare Before Christmas.  This inspired our Halloween costumes.

Jack and Sally

Incase you are unfamiliar with The Nightmare Before Christmas (in which case you NEED to go rent it...now), here is what the real Jack and Sally characters look like...

I am happy to report that Pat's costume was the WINNER this year!!  Here are the top 3 winners from this year.  Keep in mind these are ALL handmade costumes-- Amazing!

First place: Jack the Pumpkin King 

Second place: Jack Sparrow (he stayed in character the entire day.)

Third Place: Bridget (from the video game Guilty Gear)

Here is the whole office...

They had to take Jack for a walk around the city (and yes, Pat is walking around on stilts).

The kids had lots of fun parties this year.  They each had one at school and then we had a cancer event and a Make-A-Wish party.  Cami wanted to switch her costume up for each party.  She is such a little diva.

Here she is (costume from last year) with some of her bumblebee friends at the Make-A-Wish party.

Here she is with her cancer sisters.

Here is Caden with his best bud Porter... his costume is just awesome.  a

Thank you Make-A-Wish for the fun party!

Here is Cami and her friend Cash at a fundraiser Kaidan's family did to raise money for CureSearch.  

Here is Miss Cami taking her vampire roll very seriously on Halloween night.  

Here's our little dragon.  I know, I know...he's really intimidating.

RAWRRRRR.....  

Cami and her cute group of girlfriends.  These girls all live in our circle and they are little BFF's.  

Can you see Pat's pumpkin bum in the background?... I seriously have a kid at heart for a Husband.  

And here we are with some of our favorite (and well dressed might I add) people...

...and we are all costumed out.  Until next year anyway...